My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
