I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
