apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
