dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
