So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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