I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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