hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
