my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
