Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So much rum. So many feels.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
