He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
