I wish they made helmets for livers.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
