They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
