Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
this is an emotional support booty call
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
