how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
