listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
