Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
