I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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