I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
