Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
