Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
