Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
