4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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