I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
