Midget sex pt 2 tonight
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
