I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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