Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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