I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
