i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
