sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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