I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
