My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
