I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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