y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
