from now on my penis is your penis
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
