So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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