see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
this is an emotional support booty call
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
