why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
