just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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