Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
