we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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