You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
