tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
