and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
