you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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