I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
