Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I AM VODKA MAN
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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