i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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