I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
