Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
