i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
